Open Heart Surgery

About a year ago (also known as this last Sunday) I endeavored to continue my weekly pattern of writing a blog post. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Can you say busy- while also doing about five hundred other things? 

Actually, when I think about it, the majority of my time has been spent sitting and listening, but in this environment that is a spiritual and emotional workout like no other.

 CM (Children’s Ministry) training took off running last Sunday at the same time as our ministry wide “Seek Week” conference. I think all of the leaders sat down and said, “Let’s see how much truth and goodness these people can handle in one week without exploding.” They came pretty close. There were a couple of days there that I felt like I would burst if I had to think any more. But, of course, God is gracious (and I also may be exaggerating just a tad…a very small tad.)

“So, what did you learn?” you ask.

I answer, (deep breath) “I-need-to-find-my-approval-in-God-and-not-fear-what-man-would-think-of-me-and-i-need-to-work-on-being-thankful-and-I-have-been-ignoring-God-and-He-loves-me-always-anyway-and…’ As you can see, it was a lot so I just want to tell y’all one thing that was pretty stinkin’ huge for me (pardon my French.)

On Thursday morning, after I had already spent several days working through realizations of fear of man and ingratitude and whatnot, I finally hit a point of “I can’t feel any more so I’m just going to sit here and listen placidly.”

I think God must've found that particular plan funny.

So there I am, sitting in service and being pleasant and placid (like a lake) when the pastor throws in a bit of a pebble by telling us that God loves us: plain and simple. Now, this is something I have been very aware of in my life. I have known and seen and felt His love and care for me in every-day life for many years, but sometimes the reminder and implications just dive deep into my soul and cause ripples of joy all throughout. This time, however, the reminder caused a flood and boy-howdy do I mean TEARS!

I can count on one hand the times in my life that I have actually had tears streaming down my face and couldn’t stop them. This time was one of the worst. (side note: every time it happened when there were no tissues or napkins readily available, wha’s wi’ tha’?)

Okay. Pause. Rewind.

 A year or so ago I received an email from Caitlin (my older, also blind sister) in which she asked me to be praying about starting a “blind kids” blog and to join her in continual prayer for God to heal our eyes. She also asked that I share the message with Grayson and Gracie.

I didn’t tell Grayson and Gracie.

And I only sorta kinda tried to pray about the healing. I had hit a wall. Should I pray about something that I don’t really want in the first place? I am content to be blind. I have had so many people tell me that I have encouraged them through how I handle it and my attitude; it’s my ministry. (Notice the plethora of personal pronouns…) Isn’t it kind of a slap in God’s face if I pray for something I don’t really need or want? I mean, He made me this way for a purpose and I should be grateful and I am grateful. I don’t need to be sighted. Besides, how would people act? Would I become a science project? Would people believe me? Who would I be without my blindness; it’s such a big part of my personality. It’s me…

All of these arguments and excuses were running through my mind and the thing is: I never asked God what He wanted or what He thought about it. I never gave it to Him. It was mine! mine! mine! and I didn’t want to give it up. So, when the speaker told us God loved us and asked us to think about what areas of our life we were holding back from Him- who loves us beyond all reason…

I sat there and couldn’t think of anything.

My mind was blank.

 I was praying with a friend and I told God exactly that. Then I honestly, truly asked Him to show me what areas of my life I was keeping from Him. (Warning: don’t ask that if you don’t really mean it!)

While I was sitting there thinking about it, the speaker then said that he was going to pass some mics around and he wanted just a few people to pray aloud what was in their hearts.

My own heart started pounding like a runaway horse.

I stood up.

And suddenly that same pounding heart was rolling down my face and out of my lips for all to see- even me. I confessed my unwillingness to give my eyesight to God. I remembered that He gave me this vision for His glory and not my own. He can give me a new ministry any time for that same glory. He loves me and His love is a perfect love, therefore I can know that whatever He gives me will be good - just as the sight He gave me is good for the here and now: for this time.

Then, with a free heart and a joy in knowing that I was obeying Him with my words, I asked God to restore my sight.

I really cannot describe to you all that happened in my heart in that moment and since.

Am I suddenly discontent with my current visual state due to zeal in praying to be healed? No!

Am I absolutely certain that this is what God wants me to give Him and to pray for daily? Yes!

Am I absolutely certain that He will eventually give me 20/20 vision on this earth? No. But that is not the point. He wanted me to give it to Him - to surrender every part of me, the good and the bad, because…

He.

Loves.

Me.

And that, y’all, is beyond wonderful.

Well, that’s my week. After standing up and baring my heart in front of so many I felt a bit…exposed…and, honestly, I feel like that a bit now, too. I wanted to tell y’all, though, because I know that this is not something that God wants me to keep to myself. Part of my obedience in this is sharing it with others and I think that’s why He had me stand and pray before everyone. So, now I’m asking you to pray. Pray with me and pray for me.

And thank y’all again for all the prayers I know have been sent up for me: I truly believe that God has heard them and I have felt them.

This week we will be continuing with staff training but the conference is over. I just hope that all I learned will grow roots in my heart and I will not allow busyness to distract me from all that needs to be processed.

I am so glad you spent the time to read today! Tune in next week to find out what happens when you mix a (currently) blind kid with a high ropes course.

I am SO excited!