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| When I was headed home to see my fambly! I was so excited I just had to take a (weird) picture. |
Procrastination strikes again! I do apologize (ahem, again)
for the delay, folks, but I mostly had good reasons!
When I left Grenada, MS (our first summit) I actually got to
go home for a few days to see Will be baptized. Praise the Lord that our second
summit was close to home so that I was able to do that! So I didn’t write then
because I was home and got to talk to most of you.
Then, when I got to our second summit (in Augusta, GA) I
found out that I was sitting through services for the whole summit. So that
meant no Base Camp for me (mostly) and I just got to “be a church member.’ I
expected God would teach me at least one thing that I could write about, so I
pushed off writing unitl the end.
So, here I am. It’s the evening before our first service in
Crestview, Fl and I can truly say that yes, God did show me at least one thing…more
like one hundred things. He’s good like that, you ask Him to work on you and
tell Him you’re open to change, and He’ll definitely take you up on it!
Here’s the biggie for me: - y’all ready for this, are ya
sure? Okay- Ahem
I’m very foolish.
You see, I started out the summit with this mindset of “oh, I’m
sitting through, so I must have some huge emotional/spiritual experience so
that I can be sure I’m listening.” Problem with that was it was totally the
wrong way to go about it.
I sat through each service for the first week and tried to
apply every single thing I heard to myself. Well, in a sense, that would be
good because it would mean that I was open to whatever God wanted to say, but I
realized that my heart was in the wrong place. I wanted everything to apply to
me so that I could be “so humble” and “so willing to admit my sin” and yada
yada yada. I wanted others to see my change and think well of me.
In reality, there were some areas that I didn’t actually need
to work on and there were some areas that I did: but it was all between me and
God, not between me and people around me with a little bit of God thrown in for
good measure.
I was beginning to realize this about myself but I wasn’t
quite able to wrap my mind around it when “Salvation Sunday” came along.
Lemme tell you: an entire week of over-the-top introspection
and a lot of pride will leave you feeling like you’re trying to balance on
jello. I spent the entire Sunday morning service riddled with confusion and
frustration. Where was the peace I always felt when I thought about eternity?
Why was I feeling so off? Am I not really saved? Am I not His child if I can’t
vividly remember the moment I realized I was lost?
I was miserable.
After service, Rebekah saw me and asked how I was and I guess
she could see something in my face because she immediately asked if she could
pray for me. It’s amazing how God will place someone in your life who can be
the help and wisom you need from Him just when you need it.
When I told her what I was feeling, I found out I was not
alone. She often had the same trouble when she would sit through services and
had to learn how to discern truth from ungodly doubt and confusion. She prayed
for me, and she gave me truth and then I cried and then I felt peace.
No longer miserable.
That wasn’t the end, though. I had never felt so shaken in my
standing before and I had to wrestle those lies all day and into the next
couple of days. I still had peace (most of the time), but it bothered me that I
had been so off-balance.
Then I figured out what my jello was made of:
Pride...
Selfishness…
Vanity…
A lot of me, me, me.
On Tuesday that week, I was reading a book called Show Them Jesus
that was written to CMs to remind them to weave the gospel into everything.
There was an object lesson that the writer had used with some kids that God
then used to get my attention.
Imagine you have received your report card and all of the
subjects are spiritual traits (kindness, humility, respectfulness, servant’s
attitude, etc…) and in every single subject your grades were abysmal. God
requires perfection and there are no middle grades. You’re either perfect or
you fail. Well, everybody fails, so God takes your report card and replaces
your name at the top with Jesus’ and then He takes Jesus’ perfect record and
puts your name at the top. You didn’t do anything to make that change happen,
God just wanted to do it.
Well, I realized that I really did already have my name on
Jesus’ report card, but I had begun to believe the lie that Jesus came along
and erased all the faliling grades but I had to try to refill the supposed empty
slots with new perfect grades: I can do it! I’m a Christian, so I can be better
than I was before!
Not true. Sure, I try to do good things and read my Bible and
pray- but not because I have to earn a gift already given. I am not beholden to
God in that sense. When I try to earn God’s grace then I’m not really accepting
the gift as a gift, and that’s wrong.
So, that’s what God showed me. I’m not sure when exactly I
had fallen into that lie of earning grace, but I’m so glad that God showed me
truth. I’m still catching myself trying to think that way, but at least now I’m
recognizing it so God can continue working in me to change it.
And if I mess up, that’s okay. I’ll just take the hand God is
offering and He’ll pull me off the jello and place me back on the Rock. Because
He loves me. = )
And He loves you too.
So, what’s your jello made of?
Love,
Anna
Ephesians
2:8-10
For by
grace you have been saved through faith. And this Is not your own doing; it is
the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast. For we are His
workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared
beforehand, that we should walk in them.
